Last night I went to see him on the spur of the moment. I wanted the comfort of a dark room, loud music that drowned out my thoughts and the feeling of sweat running between my breasts.

Somehow every word he spoke was kind of sexy …

Come on … keep going
We started together … let’s finish together
Give it a squeeze …
Give me just a little bit more …
*heavy breathing*

In the silence and darkness of track six tears ran down my face, cleansing me and washing away the crazy guilt and shame of not living up to my own ridiculously high standards.

At the end of it I was emotionally spent and could barely walk.

And as a bonus I burned 865 calories — I think I’m going to see GB again soon.

• Pirates : Your Mid Point Challenge is to do something that you used to enjoy but you haven’t done for ages.

Unfortunately, what most pirate captains don’t realize is their workers find it difficult to hear orders because of all the noise – the sails beating in the wind, the crashing of waves and the shouting of their fellow pirates. What the pirate crew end up hearing is only the last half of the instruction.

So when I give instruction to my loyal, hardworking and competent crew, I make sure that they can understand my request even if they only hear half of the command.

The wrong way

I say: I don’t want to binge …
They hear : … want to binge
Result = bingeing

I say : I don’t want to be lazy
They hear : … want to be lazy
Result = nil exercise

I say : I am not going to be hungry today
They hear : … be hungry today
Result = hungry hippo all day long

The right way

I say : I always treat my body with respect
They hear : … treat … body with respect
Result = NO bingeing

I say : I am more balanced and centered when I exercise
They hear : … balanced … centered … exercise
Result = love to workout

I say : I am completely satisfied by small amounts of nourishing food
They hear : … satisfied … small amounts … nourishing …
Result = NO hunger

• What commands are you giving your crew?
• Are you cranky with them because they always get it wrong?
• Maybe its your fault and not theirs after all?

When two equally matched forces pull against each other it is an exhausting ongoing struggle. To the unobservant eye, it looks like nothing or very little is happening. There is no significant movement in either direction. And yet a great deal of energy is being used to merely stay static.

On one side, there is the part of me that loves to be lean, strong and healthy. The gift it wants to give me is self confidence, resilience, pride and wellness. I imagine this part of me as a star resting in my right hand.

The symbol is hard and metallic. It has sharp pointy edges and it is cold. This side wins for long periods of time.

On the other side, there is the part of me that loves to break all the rules — to eat large quantities of rich sugary fat laden food and lie around sleeping and watching TV.

The gift it wants to give me is peace, contentment, relaxation and a healthy dose of rebellion and individuality. I imagine this part of me as a peace symbol resting in my left hand.

The symbol is smooth and round. It has comforting curves and it is warm. This side lays in wait (weight!) for the star side to get tired, or distracted and then it takes over.

The star understands what the peace symbol is trying to achieve and the peace symbol appreciates the honourable intentions of the star. In the absence of rules and expectations, in spite of logic and considered thought, the two parts of me can finally commune.

My two hands come together, the palms meet and join into one.

When I open my hands I see a beautiful new image.

It has the qualities of the gold star with it’s colour and sharp edges, but it also has characteristic of the peace symbol with warm, smooth, sweeping curves and the form of a dove.

Instead of being at war, instead of pulling in two different direction, I hold the dove of peace in my hands. I place it in my heart and the symbol multiplies and floods every cell of my body.

Now the two opposing forces are working together to bring me the gifts of self confidence, peace, resilience, contentment, pride, relaxation, individuality and total wellness to my life.

The fight to get lean and stay lean is finally over. I have inner agreement and inner alignment. I am lean, fit, strong and healthy AND relaxed, contented and slightly rebellious easily and effortlessly.

The tug of war rope has finally been dropped on the floor and discarded in the corner. I might use it later for a skipping rope!

Update: Guided meditation experience courtesy of Renee Stephens’ Sabotage Self Sabotage (I have no financial affiliation with this product).

So – the Pirates Council for today is whatever you want it to be. It is Day 60 and for me that is an important milestone, the end of Phase Four and the beginning of Phase Five so I’ll post my ‘Proud as a Pirate with a Parrot’ list.

In a minute …

First of all an update on what has been going on.

I have been working through the Inside Out Weight Loss program which is based on the (in my opinion TRUE) premise that behaviours come from thoughts so to make lasting change we have to address the accumulated mess in our brains.

Imagine for a moment a room filled with books and documents and magazines strewn all over the floor. No one inch of floor or furniture is visible because of all the paper spread all around the room. That is where I started.

Then imagine a room with all the books on the shelves, the papers filed in neat piles and the magazines stacked in tidy bundles. Suddenly the room looks cleaner, bigger and more welcoming. Nothing has been thrown out or destroyed, it has just been moved to its rightful home.

In order to tidy up such a messy place, things get worse before they get better. If you were to walk in, especially at the start of the process, it would look like a bomb had gone off.

In the past days a bomb has gone off and my head got messier and messier and it felt like my eating behaviours were getting worse instead of better.

But if I gave up half way through the process, then I would never see any results of the work I had put it. So I kept on going.

I am still a long way away from having found the rightful home for all of my thoughts, beliefs, inner dialogue and sense of identity and there are things I have uncovered that I haven’t seen for years, but the chaos is worth it. Slowly things are getting better, and as they do, I can sense real change taking place.

Now I feel a growing sense of control, I will use the rest of this challenge to journal my own personal transformation. After all, I can’t help anyone else unless I help myself first.

Proud as a Pirate with a Parrot

• No desire to drink Diet Coke
• Turned down the offer of takeaway for dinner because I didn’t feel like it
• Practiced EFT on my cravings
• Never gave up
• Accepted and appreciated my body as it is right now
• Wrote out my affirmations and success journal most days
• Totally abstained from guilt exercise and severe restriction after over-eating
• Forgave myself
• Faced the tough stuff
• Had more good days than bad days
• Did yoga because I love it, not to burn calories
• Went for a walk because I love it, not to burn calories
• Rested
• Took some down time watching TV
• The difference between the highs and lows was less

Writing it down makes me realise that more has been happening than I thought. I am so convinced that this is going to work. If I can change my beliefs about Diet Coke and not even miss it after a lifetime of addiction, then I can change my beliefs that crappy drugged food is the solution to the emotional turbulence of every day living.

The future has unlimited potential, and I get to create it right here and now. I can only dream of what a day free of stressing about food and my weight might be like, but I know that that day is coming very soon.

Tomorrow is day 60. That leaves 60 days until the end of the challenge – 2 months/8 weeks. What could you achieve if you re-committed to the next 60 days? Would you be better off if you resolved to do something rather than nothing?

Here is the challenge — if you are an original founding member of the Challenge and you’ve lost your way, got sidetracked or hit a few bumps in the road, then pick yourself up and decide to make the last 60 days count. Set an intention that is positive and achievable and do what you need to do for the next 60 days.

If you have been following along, but aren’t an official participant, well now is your chance to do a test run. Challenge yourself to change something for the next 60 days.

Leave a comment — a public commitment to action — and tell me what you are going to work on.

For the next 60 days, I am going to bring my perfect day closer to becoming a
reality. I going to find peace and disconnection with food, I am going to listen and
honour my body and I am going to deeply and completely love and accept
myself. I am also going to walk the plank on 09.09.09 (how’s that for a
momentous date?) and request extended leave from my job from 1 Jan 2010.

On my birthday in 6 weeks time, I will be lean, strong, healthy and energised, I will only eat for physical nourishment and I will have discovered new ways to fulfil my emotional needs. Being centred and balanced will be my highest priority.

Let’s find a new sense of purpose together and benefit from the magic of combined positive intent.

I am also going to be spending much more time over at the Skinny Bones 100 Day Challenge Forum writing my daily journal, thoughts and challenges so feel free to join me over there as well.

The one thing I hold on to is that when things seem the crappiest, the bleakest and the most difficult, it means there is a breakthrough just around the corner. I am holding on with all my might so that I make it to that place where everything starts to make sense.

60 Days can change your life. 60 Days will give you a head start for summer. 60 Days is easy.

I need some help here gang … let me know I’m not doing this on my own ♥

But who says you have to just jump right in? Can you move out of your comfort zone by simply dipping your toe in the water?

Small incremental steps add up. As you dip your toe, then your foot and then your leg into the hostile elements, you will adjust to the temperature of the water. Suddenly new and unfamiliar places don’t seem as frightening any more.

What is the thing that you have always been afraid to do? Have you done it yet?

Can you make small steps towards making that dream come true without actually jumping?

Do something today to bring that great big scary thing a little closer to realisation. Break it down into steps. Do just the first one for now.

If you have always wanted to run a marathon, you don’t have to go and sign up just now. You can start by picking the event and choosing the date, picking out your special ‘race’ clothes and start wearing them, loading up your Ipod with your race tunes and then trying them out, or adding 1 km to your long weekend run every couple of weeks.

Just dip your toe in the water with the knowledge that you can still change your mind and remain in safety. In fact, you may find that once you start the process it will be really easy, or your heart will lead you somewhere else entirely.

All you have to do today is one small action that will help you progress towards that thing you’ve always wanted to do.

What I am going to do? We’ll I’ve set the date, I’ve made a plan, and today I’m going to get some professional help in formulating and executing the next steps.

It is scary and exciting — the way life is meant to be!

♥ 55kg is the best that I can be and I deserve to be my best self. With new tools and new beliefs I will create and keep my new body. My body and my mind are inseparable so my thoughts are what matters and they can be changed in an instant.

♥ I can reset my happy weight to anywhere I choose. There are naturally lean people who easily maintain a a low BF%. I have 5 years of wisdom, progress and experience that makes my evolution simple and natural. I have achieved so much in the past while holding on to my limiting beliefs, imagine what I can achieve now I have inner alignment!

♥ Losing fat is an exciting adventure when combined with my desire for total health and constant balance. By eating whole food in appropriate amounts (not too little or too much) my body can release the fat without being constantly hungry. I am not required to be perfect, I just need make continuous improvements.

♥ Being naturally lean as a result of balance and health is energising, liberating and taps into unbelievable reserves of peace and contentment. I deeply and completely love and accept myself right here and now so that I can thrive and grow.

♥ Feeling peaceful, energised and free will make me attractive from the inside out. My husband will fall in love with me all over again each day that I am balanced and centred. My happiness is contagious and I always let in the light.

♥ It is easy and effortless for me to be lean because I have the advantage of a muscular metabolism, solid exercising habits and a preference for healthy food. I am always in tune with my miraculous body – I am conscious and present.

• What about your new beliefs?
• Have you written them down yet today? … and tomorrow? … keep writing them down daily until they become a part of you …

When you think of this goal, ask yourself these questions

• Is the goal desirable or worthwhile?
• Is it possible for others?
• Is it possible for me?
• Is what it takes to achieve this goal appropriate and reasonable?
• Do I deserve it?

Did you answer ‘No’ to any of these questions? Or were you like me and answered ‘No’ to nearly all of them?

Is it any wonder that there is an ongoing struggle to get where we want to go? Part of us believes that we won’t actually make it while the other parts of us just keep on trying.

A belief is what you hold to be true without any conclusive evidence. If there was irrefutable evidence – it would be a fact that applied to everyone in every situation.

Explore your beliefs by answering completing this sentence -
I can’t lose weight/maintain my goal weight because …

I can’t get back down to 55kg and stay there because …

♥ 55kg is too lean and my body revolts by making me binge (It is not possible for me)
♥ 60kg is my happy weight and I always go back to it no matter what (It is not possible for me)
♥ To lose weight (at a snail’s pace) I have to restrict my calories and I get tired, cranky and can’t sleep (It takes inappropriate and unreasonable effort to achieve my goal)
♥ Being thin is hard, bony and painful – it makes everything sharp and miserable (This goal is not desirable or worthwhile)
♥ My husband doesn’t find me attractive when I am lean (This goal is not desirable or worthwhile)
♥ No one who has had weight issues has ever maintained a low body fat percentage outside of competing (It is not possible for others)

Holy fuck Batman — there’s a revelation — I actually believe these things in my heart of hearts. No wonder every day is an exhausting relentless battle …

The next step is to examine and question these beliefs and look for conflicting evidence. Put them on the witness stand and let the opposing council cross examine them.

♥ 55kg is too lean and my body revolts by making me binge
My body doesn’t care what it weighs, it just reacts to weeks and months of severe calorie restriction and swings in the opposite direction trying to find balance. If I lose fat easily, effortlessly and joyfully in a sustainable way I won’t awaken the binge monster or be plagued by constant hunger and feelings of deprivation. I have experience in what doesn’t work for me — cycles of under eating and over eating (refeeds) set me up for starve/binge behaviour.

♥ 60kg is my happy weight and I always go back to it no matter what
My body thought 85kg was my happy weight for nearly all of my adult life and I reset it down to 60kg through willpower and determination alone. How much easier is it going to be now to settle at a lower number now I have new tools and skills.

♥ To lose weight (at a snail’s pace) I have to restrict my calories and I get tired, cranky and can’t sleep
Losing fat through a consistent slight calorie deficit is a brand new challenge and challenges excite and inspire me. Because I am eating clean, real food, and making small and frequent corrections every day, my body now has the hormones, enzymes and nutrients to get rid of excess fat easily. Having more energy than ever before and a fully operating digestive system (I poop every day without assistance for the first time in my life) tells me that my body is working as it should. I can trust this body that keeps my heart beating, my lungs breathing and sickness and disease away to access my energy storage (fat) when I expend more calories than I eat.

♥ Being thin is hard, bony and painful – it makes everything sharp and miserable
How my body looks doesn’t dictate how I feel – whether fat or thin my feelings originate in my head and my heart. I can change how I feel in an instant. I associate thinness with pain because I have only achieved it in the past through restriction, discipline, and delayed gratification. I am learning how to be lean while being happy, peaceful and contented every single day, not just that day in the future when I see a number on the scale.

♥ My husband doesn’t find me attractive when I am lean (this has been confronting and painful to say out loud)
He is still here. He hasn’t left me or changed the way he treats me. He loves me no matter what and just wants me to be happy. He has associated my leaness with me being miserable, tired, and uninterested in sex — I guess that is pretty unattractive. If I was sick with cancer and my hair fell out he would still love me. He is not in the same shape that he was 20 years ago and I still love him to death. He is proud that I am slender and take good care of myself compared to the overweight wives of his friends. He loves what is inside me and is attracted to my sense of fun, my kindness and optimism which are the things that disappear when I am fighting to lose weight.

♥ No one who has had weight issues has ever maintained a low body fat percentage outside of competing
There are three women at work and a whole country full of women (Japan) who have very low levels of body fat and stay that way without counting calories or carbs, logging hours in the gym and obsessing over their scale weight. I want to be like them rather than like a competitor who maintains competition leaness through will power and discipline alone (you know who I mean!). It should be even easier for me to stay lean than naturally thin girls because I have much more muscle which gives me a higher metabolism than them.

As this has turned into an essay, I will post my new beliefs tomorrow.

• What are your limiting beliefs?
• How do they hold up under scrutiny?
• If you are having trouble seeing the other side of the argument, post a comment and we’ll give you an objective point of view?
• Are you brave enough to identify even your beliefs that are embarrassing or painful?

If you get through this exercise then you deserve as many BONUS BONES as you want — it is not easy and rather confronting (beware: it may prompt avoidance behaviour – eat/binge/clean the bathroom instead of working through the issues).

For more information on the program I am following that has sparked all these new ideas check out the Inside Out Weight Loss FREE podcast and start from the first episode 00: Prologue.